5
PM British Summer Time / noon Eastern Daylight Time
Setting:
A transatlantic telephone call between 10 Downing Street and the Oval Office. Let’s
listen in …
Boris: Mr President,
Donald, I am having a bit of a rough patch—this Brexit business—the crazies
want my scalp. I need to ask a favour.
Trump: Boris, I want
to help you. You are my friend. But I cannot do anything for you for friendship’s
sake. That said—I am all for Brexit on October 31, 2019, if not before….
Boris: I know that
Donald. You don’t have to explain.
Trump: Just a moment.
I do have to explain. You have to
expect that Clapper’s, Comey’s, and Brennan’s friends in the United States’ national
security apparatus are recording everything you and I are saying. It will
eventually come out—maybe tomorrow. So I might as well get my point of view across
in the future record. We—the United States—pay for NATO. We subsidize the
defense of every nation in NATO and in effect, every nation in the EU. Still, the
EU raises tariff walls against our goods. This relationship is unfair to me, to
my voters, and to the United States. In the past, we put up with it. We did so
because Europe was getting on its feet after WWII, because Europe was under
threat from domestic terrorism, and, above all, from Soviet communism—but those
days are now long gone. The EU is just an anti-American cabal, and, for that
reason and others, I want to facilitate the UK exiting. That’s why I am
inclined to help you, and if our two countries’ interests are aligned, as I see
our interests, I will help you. So tell me—what is it that you’d like me to do.
Boris: I am going to
be forced by Parliament to ask the EU for an extension, and then to accept any
extension that the EU might offer. But here a unanimity rule applies—every EU
member state (other than the UK) must support giving the UK the extension. If one EU member holds
out against granting an extension, then there is no properly authorized
extension for the UK to accept. In those circumstances, I will be off the hook
and free to negotiate a real deal with the EU, or, at least, free to exit the
EU absent any deal.
For
that reason, I would like the United States to explain to our NATO allies (e.g.,
Latvia, Estonia, Lithuania—who are also EU members) that if they vote in
support of giving the UK any extension, then all U.S. troops will be pulled out
of their countries. And in that situation, the U.S. will re-evaluate its
continuing participation in Article V collective defense under NATO auspices.
If
we go down this path, I do not think we should do it in secret. It will come
out anyway.
Trump: That’s … That’s
… Why the hell didn’t my advisors come up with that idea. What the hell do I
pay those guys for anyway? Was this Dominic Cummings’ idea? I want that man in
DC. Yuge!, Yuuge!, simply Yuuuge! Latvia, Lithuania, and Estonia—I’m gonna make them an offer, they can’t refuse.
Seth
