"There are only two ways of telling the complete truth—anonymously and posthumously."Thomas Sowell

Monday, November 14, 2005

Terrell, Jesse, Jesus and Steve

Jesse Jackson has come out in support of Terrell Owens' Right As A Black Man to act like a total buttface.

Presumably because Mr. Owens has been oppressed for like 400 years.

For you Wal-Mart shoppers who gravitate to the books, CDs, major appliances or frozen foods aisles instead of the toy department, Terrell Owens is a fabulously talented wide receiver. (For our overseas friends, that's a job in American football.) He recently, majorly and publicly, disrespected his corporate employer, the Philadelphia Eagles; his boss, coach Andy Reid, a solid/stolid walrus-like fellow in both girth and facial hair; and his team leader, quarterback Donovan McNabb, he of Rush Limbaugh fame.

Consequentially, Terrell has been suspended indefinitely, meaning that according to the terms of his contract he will continue to collect $200K a game to sit on his butt instead of aiding/torturing his team.

Now I've seen Terrell's life story, and folks, it actually is heartbreaking. He was raised by a strict if not psychotic grandmother, and his mother was a substance abuser who could not tell Terrell who his father was.

Until the day the older man from across the street came over, warning Terrell to keep away from his daughter because she was Terrell's half-sister.

So one might think that Terrell was jealous of gruff but fatherly Andy's affection for Donovan, who is one of the classiest and cuddly guys in all of football, and is the ultimate company man. He's the spokesman for Campbell's Chunky Soup. (Although his mom has become the star of the commercials, it just makes Donovan all the more cuddly.) Donovan throws the ball at a receiver's feet instead of forcing it in there and risking an interception, playing his coach's game instead of his own. Donovan is also Black, and I mention this only because I have not known Jesse Jackson to stand up for a White Man's Right to be a buttface.

I don't want to get into Terrell's head, but he reminds me of Steve Christ: "Dad, you always loved Jesus best. Jesus this, Jesus that..."

Steve's brother had a story they call The Prodigal Son, where the disenchanted son took all of his inheritance contract up front in cash, and promptly went forth and blew it all. He saw the error of his ways and resolved to go back to the family home, not to get his old place back, but just to get a job cleaning the stables or something. Home was good.

Terrell has apologized to the Eagles, to Andy, and even to Donovan. He wants to play football, and he wants to play it for the Philadelphia Eagles, whom he considers family.

Fair enough, Terrell. Tear up your contract and the $200K per game it pays, and offer to work for your Eagle family on the suicide squad, the guys who ram full speed into each other on kickoffs. For whatever the union-mandated league minimum is.

Andy Reid is known as a very religious person, and I bet he's familiar with the tale. Donovan McNabb seems to be a well-grounded man, too, and even though his counterpart in the story is the Faithful Son who gets aggravated at the welcome return of the Prodigal, I think he would welcome Terrell back, too.

Jesse Jackson is reputed to be a Reverend, which implies some familiarity with the Bible. It would be good if he passed Steve's brother's story on to the newest member of his congregation.

Late Disclosure: I'm a Philadelphia Eagles fan, and Terrell's criticism of his quarterback is not unwarranted, making this all the more tragic. Whoda thunk that a Proud Black Man and Rush Limbaugh might end up with the same conclusion? Mr. Chunky Soup just threw a game-losing interception on Monday Night Football, for lack of a reliable receiver. (Terrell's replacement zigged when he shoulda zagged.)

Hurry back, Terrell. We can work this out. Read some scripture, eat a little crow, overlook your quarterback's inadequacies, and get us to Super Bowl XL. All will be forgiven, I assure you.


connie deady said...

Terrell clearly suffers from what the dsm IV refers to as Borderline Personality Disorder.

IOW, as you said, he's a buttface. And Jessie, I have no clue were your head is at, but you should have a little sympathy for your brother Donovan as well.

Sucks being an Eagles fan these days.

Hunter Baker said...

I rooted for the Dallas Cowboys last night.

If my father reads this, he will be scandalized. I wish I could say my reason is related to the Terrell thing, but it is not.

I am a fantasy football freak and Drew Bledsoe is my quarterback. Thus, I no longer take pleasure in each loss for "America's team." Instead, I root for their success, primarily by way of the passing game.

Matt Huisman said...

The Onion, as always, is ahead of the crowd with this scoop on T.O.'s next contract.

The Classic Liberal Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Classic Liberal Anonymous said...

TO has the right to do and say as he pleases. He has the right to ask for more money, he has the right to berate his teammates, he has the right to be a buttface.

Those actions, however, have consequences. I am pleased to see that the Eagles ownership/management showed a backbone and made the tough decision.

As for TO, I hope he is sincere in his apology.

I like your idea ... just how badly does TO want to play for the Eagles?

ps...as a graduate of that fine institution on The Palouse, I, too, am a Drew Bledsoe fan.

James Elliott said...

Hey, Connie, the Eagles did all right last night. I think McNabb and Westbrook are stepping up in the absence of T.O.

And, as a long-time 49ers fan (and boy, has it sucked to be one of those for some time now) all I can say to Phillie is, "Toldja so."

Matt Huisman said...

James...how did you like that game against the Bears last week...only 1 completion! I know that the wind was absolutely ridiculous...but 1 completion!

You know you've hit rock bottom when the coaching staff openly admits that Joe Nedney is their most dangerous weapon.

James Elliott said...

Man, that game against the Bears... After that botched 52 yard field goal was returned for a 108 yard TD run, I stopped paying too much attention. If there'd been another game on the TV, I'd've watched that. Can I just say that Cody Pickett is the world's most disappointing first round draft pick, ever?

Jay D. Homnick said...

Van Dyke, this sardonic thing is workin for ya.

As for Owens, let's see him get any interest out of Nicolette Sheridan now.

And like the man acrost the street said, rootin for da Eagles is like kissing your half-sister.

Matt Huisman said...

Can I just say that Cody Pickett is the world's most disappointing first round draft pick, ever?

Wow...you really did stop paying attention...Pickett was a 7th round pick last year. And even if he was a first rounder, my Bears have done much worse.

Hunter Baker said...

I think the Bears have promise. They either need to sign a serious free agent QB or trade for one ASAP. They do that and they instantly become big contenders because the rest of the package is there. Waive Rex Grossman and moveon.org.

James Elliott said...

Boy, did I ever. I meant Alex Smith.