Those Evil Yet Lovable Innocent Terrorists

There's been some new legislation about the jihadistish prisoners currently held by the US. My best understanding is that a) it was mandated by a recent Supreme Court decision which said, we have no clue about all this---so go write a law, y'all;

b) Without it, CIA agents could be prosecuted by a future administration for what is deemed OK by the previous one; and

c) It's important that congress (and the president) declare the Official American interpretation of Geneva and other international codes so that CIA agents cannot be prosecuted by foreign or international courts.

So that's the legal thing.


What is not commonly known is that through the good graces of such peacemakers as Jimmy Carter, Noam Chomsky, Jesse Jackson and Cindy Sheehan, secret laptop videoconferences with al-Qaeda were held---although Mother Sheehan's wi-fi failed to function in her ditch outside Crawford, TX---and a private deal was reached that's fair and just to all parties, things being what they are. The Reform Club has the scoop.


From now on:

---Al-Qaeda will make every reasonable attempt to sharpen their knives, daggers and swords before they cut our heads off. Using dull blades for decapitations is so 2004.

---Aforementioned heads must be dropped within a mile or two (or three, in a pinch) of wherever they dump our bodies, to help with the sorting out.

---Aforementioned bodies must be dumped at the side of the road and not where they can be run over, although those cute little islands with the palm trees on divided highways are OK, since few people drive there.

---Our bodies and/or heads may not be set on fire unless we check the "cremation" box in the Preferred Method of Disposal section of Human Rights Watch's Hostage-Abductee Questionnaire (Form 267B).

---All forced conversions to Islam come with a 30-day money-back guarantee, although failed converts, as apostates, must still be hunted down and executed although it's not exactly in the Qur'an, but only in a Hadith. But just in case.


In return, the US agrees:

---No waterboarding after 10 PM.

---No secret prisons in Romania. Romania sucks. Really.

---No more of that damn Christina Aguilera music. That fits any human being's definition of torture.

And at Guantánamo Bay:

---All soccer balls must be inflated to FIFA specifications of 60-110 kilopascals. (1 pascal [Pa] ≡ 145.04×10−6 psi) Abu Hamed (not his real name) lost a goal last week when his perfect shot scooted over the crosspost due to an overly hard ball. It was clearly America's fault.

---As we're getting past our jihadi primes around here, the Noble and Holy Qur'an must be made available in large-print editions.

---Too much garlic in the hummus, and the halvah is kinda spongy. The lamb kabob is pretty good though, but who does somebody have to IED around here to get some camel?

---All feces, sperm or urine thrown by detainees at their guards will be returned to its rightful owner(s), in hermetically sealed plastic bags to avoid contamination of the contents.

---Since the early mid-afternoon call to prayer comes right in the middle of Oprah, TiVo shall be declared an essential human right.

---Jesus Christ, man, don't you dare return us to our Muslim home countries!!!! What, are you savages??????!!!!!