"There is always a philosophy for lack of courage."—Albert Camus

Friday, June 30, 2006

Top Ten New Names for the Holy Trinity

Well, those Presbyterians are at it again, and I think it's about time.

Seems Christianity's Big One/Three needs a retitling. Too, I dunno, biblical, I guess.


Well, a couple of their new really good ones are omitted here for lack of risibility, but here are my favorites from what they came up with:


• Sun, Light and Burning Ray

• Compassionate Mother, Beloved Child and Life-giving Womb

• Rainbow of Promise, Ark of Salvation and Dove of Peace

• Overflowing Font, Living Water, Flowing River

• Fire That Consumes, Sword That Divides, and Storm That Melts Mountains


Meh. The Sun God thing, too much of Him gives you skin cancer. "Our Rainbow Who Art (Am, Is) Wherever" makes me want to fetch my Divine Coloring Book. With the recent floods in the northeast, overflow is counterintuitive: Dear Overflow, leave us alone, willya? And here in California, a Storm That Melts Mountains caused a landslide that almost took out my patio deck.

I don't think the Presbs go far enough. What we need here is some market research and narrowcasting to our core focus groups and potential customers:

--Solar, Wind, and Clean-Burning Hydrogen Power (Enviro-God)
--Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Holy Flamingo (Kung-Fu God)
--Owner, Driver, Pit Crew (NASCAR God)
--Apatosaurus, T. Rex and Archaeopteryx (Jurassic God)
--Pop, Snap and Crackle (Breakfast God)
--Tinker to Evers to Chance (Teamwork God)
--Townshend, Daltrey, Entwistle (The Writer, The Song and The One Who Played Bass God)
--Life, Liberty and The Pursuit of Happiness (Separation of Church and God God)
--Mother Sheehan, Brother Murtha, and BTW, What's in My Womb is None of Your Damn Business Anyway (Kos God)

A fruitful vein. One Presbyter said you might as well call 'em Huey, Dewey and Louie, but I think he isn't quite down with the Spirit of the thing. The Deity Formerly Known as The Triune God has got to get into the 21st century.

I bet y'all have a topper, but in the meantime, for now I'll think of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost as:

Rock, Paper, Scissors
. Not only a Good God, but a great game.

6 comments:

Francis W. Porretto said...

Tom, Tom, Tom! WHERE'S THE DRINK ALERT?? Do you have any idea how much a keyboard costs??

Hunter Baker said...

I've been hankerin' for a good TVD post. This qualifies.

James Elliott said...

The Security Blankie, The Night Light, and the Warm Cup of Milk.

Kathy Hutchins said...

you might as well call 'em Huey, Dewey and Louie

Larry, Curly, and Moe, more like.

The loonier wing of the American Catholic Church(tm) tried to get away with "Creator, Redeemer, Sanctifier" but the mean old Pope nullified any baptisms that used such tomfoolery and put a stop to that most places.

Viking, Thermidor, SubZero: High-End Kitchen Remodel God

Ford, Chevy, Chrysler: Don't You Park that &$%@ Rice Burner in My Driveway God

Chafee, Snowe, Collins: RINO God

Matt Huisman said...

Punch, Pinch, Panache: NY Times God

(Rock, Paper, Scissors is untouchable; but the warm cup of milk is quite good too.)

Tlaloc said...

"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Holy Flamingo (Kung-Fu God)"

That cracked me up. And frankly if you replace pics of Mary with Zhang Ziyi (from Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon) you'll do a lot better with the 18-49 year old male demographic.